Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Of course I have a pirate flag
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
