he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
it's like iHOP with fire
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
