Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i will never coherently bang her
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
