I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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