You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
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Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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