had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
