drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
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Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
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Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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