I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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