So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
