When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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