do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
