My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
