im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
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He called his prostate his "boner button".
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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