dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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