i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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