My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
