I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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