Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.