So drunk its hurt
I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
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Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
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Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.