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somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber