Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
