I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
