I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
