My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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