1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
