I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
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He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
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I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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