Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
