I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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