where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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