Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
not ubering you a puppy
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
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