I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
