This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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