I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
