White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
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honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
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and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
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