when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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