the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
