You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
