An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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