How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
