he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
