Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"