trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
We got so high we made milksteak
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
