Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
