Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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