i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
