I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
