around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
