The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
