I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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