I faked an abortion last night.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
