my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
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