Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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