Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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