Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
