The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Randomize
