I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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