i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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