Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
