you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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